Inclusive Language, Political Correctness, and Effective Communication
A few weeks ago, I sat down to write a post about semi-verbal Autism. But first, I decided to do some quick research, just to see what was already being said about it. In doing so, I discovered that the experiences I had intended to write about were verbal shutdowns, not semi-verbal Autism. Furthermore, I learned that semi-verbal Autistics find it offensive and harmful when people use the term “semi-verbal” to describe verbal shutdowns.
Oops.
I almost wrote an entire post using an incorrect term, having no idea that it could harm someone. That realization led to some mixed feelings. I was thankful that I had avoided unintentionally hurting someone, and that I had the opportunity to learn more about the topic.
At the same time, some anxious questions kept nagging at me. What if I hadn’t thought to do that research? And what else might I be missing? How can I avoid this type of mistake in the future? It feels like the “correct” words are always changing, and there are so many different groups. How can I stay up to date on the current optimal language for everyone? The whole thing started to feel like an overwhelming and perhaps impossible endeavor.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who wants to use language that’s sensitive to others, but sometimes feels overwhelmed trying to do it perfectly all the time. And, I’m certainly not the only one who would like a clearer roadmap on how to educate others about inclusive language without coming across as judgemental. And thus, this post was born.
In this post, I discuss the purpose of inclusive language, and how it differs from political correctness. Then, I reveal how one can ascend to perfection, always use the most inclusive language, and never offend anyone (Spoiler: It’s impossible). Finally, I explore some methods to educate others about inclusive language, focusing on being kind, effective, and preserving your own sanity.
The Purpose of Inclusive Language
At risk of stating the obvious, the purpose of inclusive language is to include people. In particular, inclusive language helps ensure that members of vulnerable populations feel safe, allowing them to engage in the discussion.
For example, suppose you want to have a conversation about how to best support transgender individuals. Obviously, trans people should be included in the conversation, because they will have the most insight on what their community needs. However, if the more privileged (i.e. cisgender) people in the conversation refuse to learn and use the language preferred by the trans community (e.g. consistently, intentionally misgendering someone), that creates an unsafe space for individuals who are already vulnerable.
By refusing to use inclusive language, a person is essentially broadcasting: “I can’t be trusted to listen to you, or to put in the bare minimum effort to help you feel safe.” This message signals to the marginalized person that they are not welcome here, and that no one will even listen to them, much less provide any assistance. When someone feels unsafe, they are unlikely to share their honest opinions for fear of retaliation. So, the people who most need to be included in the conversation are instead silenced.
Fortunately, this form of exclusion is easily avoided. Simply listen to the group in question, and use the language that they prefer. While it’s not the only thing to consider, using inclusive language is an easy step towards creating a safe, inclusive space for everyone.
Some Thoughts on “Political Correctness”
As with most things, intent matters. Sometimes when people bring up inclusive language, their focus is not on being kind and inclusive, but on being “politically correct.” All too often, people use political correctness as a form of virtue signaling: a way to separate the righteous, noble people who use the proper words from the uneducated, insensitive swine who use the wrong words. I’ve used some hyperbole here to emphasize how ridiculous this virtue signaling can get, but it is a genuine problem that’s fairly common.
Such verbal posturing is mostly about being “right” and showing one’s moral superiority, rather than actually fostering a safe and inclusive space. In fact, it actually excludes people from the conversation, making them feel dumb and implying they’re a bad person for not automatically knowing the correct words. Naturally, many people respond to this defensively, and the conversation becomes about ego preservation (on both sides), rather than actually creating an inclusive space.
So, although it’s important to respect community preferences and use inclusive language, educating others solely for the sake of political correctness can come across as virtue signaling, which is counterproductive. Instead, try to focus on the actual goal of inclusive language: making sure that we’re being respectful of everyone involved in the conversation, particularly those who are most vulnerable.
When You Accidentally Offend Someone
No matter how hard you try to stay informed and use inclusive language for every group, you’re bound to make mistakes at least occasionally. Unfortunately, being perfect is impossible. So, we’ll have to settle for recognizing that everyone makes mistakes, practicing self-forgiveness, and apologizing for any harm caused.
Although I try my best to stay up to date, particularly on things related to neurodiversity, I was unaware that using the term semi-verbal to describe verbal shutdowns could be offensive. My brain immediately jumped to feeling anxious, imagining if I had gone ahead without realizing my mistake. The resulting post could have harmed semi-verbal Autistics, pushing their voices even further to the sidelines. In addition to potentially causing harm, the thought of doing something wrong triggered a shame response.
So, I did my best to take my own advice. Despite my perfectionistic brain insisting otherwise, “everyone makes mistakes” does include me. In this case, I caught the mistake before it became a problem. However, I still took some time to practice self-forgiveness for the inevitable future mistakes. I also mentally rehearsed how I would have apologized for any harm caused, corrected the post, and created an additional post clarifying the distinction between semi-verbal Autism and verbal shutdowns. In fact, I’m planning to write that extra post anyway, because I think it’s important for people to be aware of which terms are most inclusive, and which terms apply to their experiences.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who struggles with this; otherwise, no one would be upset by virtue signaling. So, if you’ve accidentally said something offensive, first recognize any emotional reactions you may be having as normal and natural. Acknowledge those feelings, and practice self-compassion. With virtue signaling being so prevalent, it’s natural to be on edge and wonder if people are judging you. Add in the perfectionism and rejection sensitive dysphoria that many neurodivergent people experience, and it’s no wonder so many people automatically feel defensive. The best we can do is to notice it happening, then stop, take a deep breath, and refocus on connection and growth.
After you’ve taken a moment to regulate and process your emotions, the next step is to reconnect and repair. Apologize as needed, and try to accept your error graciously. Learning new things and being open to correction is an important part of personal growth, which is something to be proud of. If there are specific actions that would help mitigate or reverse any harm done, take those actions.
I believe that fundamentally, most people really do mean well, despite making mistakes. The rest of this post will discuss strategies to educate others on inclusive language, ideally without coming across as judgemental or triggering too much defensiveness.
How to Educate People, Kindly
Perhaps you find yourself on the other side of the conversation, where someone is (perhaps unknowingly) using language that hurts you, or could hurt someone else. Although you may want to educate the person, it can be challenging to broach the topic without triggering defensiveness, which can derail the whole conversation.
So, how do you educate someone kindly and effectively? While I can't give you a full diagram detailing exactly how to approach every situation, I do have some thoughts and general guidelines on how you can be more effective.
But first, I think it’s important to take a moment for yourself. Before educating someone else, make sure you feel safe and well-regulated, and that you have the emotional capacity and desire to move forward.
Secure Your Own Oxygen Mask First
First, being aware of your own emotional state is essential. Notice if you’re feeling triggered or hurt by what they said, and take some time to self-regulate. This might mean taking a deep breath to refocus, stepping away from the conversation for a period of time, or deciding to change the topic to give yourself space. If you see this person regularly, you can always bring it up later, when you’re in a calmer headspace and have reflected on the most effective approach.
Alternatively, you may find that you don’t have the emotional capacity to educate this person at all. And that’s okay. Society often places the burden of educating the masses onto the shoulders of marginalized individuals, so it’s understandable if you feel obligated to do so. However, it’s actually not your responsibility, and you don’t have to feel guilty for putting yourself first.
If all you can manage today is taking care of yourself and getting through the day, that’s perfectly valid. Recognizing when you don’t have the capacity to do something and setting the boundary to say “no” doesn’t mean you’re weak, or a failure, or letting anyone down. Quite the opposite: honoring your own needs shows mindfulness, emotional maturity, and courage.
The world will be okay while you take care of yourself. In fact, modeling boundaries and self-care can have a positive ripple effect on the people around you, potentially encouraging them to try it for themselves. You can’t save anyone if you haven’t secured your own oxygen mask first.
If You’ve Decided to Proceed
With all that said, let’s suppose you’ve taken a moment to be mindful, you’re feeling well-regulated, and you have both the capacity and the desire to educate this person.
The most effective way to communicate your concerns depends on many factors: who the other person is, what kind of mental state they’re in, the person’s past experiences, how well you know them, the relationship you’ve had up to this point, whether there are other people around, the social power dynamic between the two of you, whether there are cultural or neurotype differences that might make communication more difficult… And that’s just a few of the factors at play.
Again, I wish I could map out the perfect course of action for every situation, but there’s just too much nuance for that to be possible. But in general: be honest, kind, and gentle. Be aware that they may react poorly, and manage your own emotional response first. You may find yourself needing to manage their reaction too, since many people haven’t learned for themselves how to do that. Hold this lightly, don’t push yourself too much, and stay within your capacity. If needed, back out of the conversation to protect yourself.
The rest of this post will cover specific methods that I’ve found helpful in getting through difficult conversations with minimal bloodshed. First, I will discuss indirect and lower-risk methods, which are likely what you’ll want to try first. If those methods are ineffective, and this person’s behavior is impacting your psychological safety, you may want to escalate to the direct methods discussed later.
Indirect and Lower-Risk Methods
In many situations, it may not be safe or socially appropriate to have a full heart-to-heart about the importance of inclusive language. In these situations, indirect and lower-risk methods may be useful. These methods can also be a good starting place, something to try before potentially moving on to more direct, higher-risk methods.
Consider using less direct, lower-risk methods if:
You don’t know this person well, and don’t see them often
Your personal psychological safety is not at risk
The social situation is not conducive to a serious conversation (eg. at a party with many other people around)
There are significant communication barriers, such as neurotype, culture, or language
You haven’t tried these methods yet
Model Using Inclusive Language
Perhaps the least direct approach is to simply use inclusive language yourself, without making any comment about it. After a few repetitions, the other person may start mirroring you, switching over to using inclusive language themselves without any direct conversation about it.
Alternatively, they might ask you directly about your word choices. At that point, you can explain the distinction and community preferences. I recommend keeping your initial explanation brief, and be ready to move on to another topic unless they express clear interest in a deep dive. You may be passionate and know a lot about this topic, and that’s great! The world needs lots of knowledgeable, passionate people. However, your conversation partner may not be mentally prepared for a full info dump, so a brief explanation is often more effective.
Of course, the person may continue to use non-preferred language. However, that doesn’t mean you haven’t made a difference. Using inclusive language in conversation helps others develop familiarity with the terms, making them more likely to use them in the future. At the very least, it makes the words feel less foreign, which may make future conversations easier.
Although you may not see any immediate benefits from this approach, it also has a very low risk of negative outcomes. So, if you’re low on spoons or otherwise don’t feel safe to take a more direct approach, simply modeling the preferred language can be a safe, low-energy approach.
Sometimes Less is More (The Brief and Casual Approach)
Later in this post, I’ll discuss several ways to soften feedback by adding lots of extra words around your main point. However, that’s certainly not the only way to approach these conversations effectively. In fact, sometimes a lengthy preamble can actually backfire, making the topic feel unnecessarily heavy and threatening. I think oftentimes people want to know which words are preferred, but get stressed out if the conversation turns into a whole “thing.” So, mentioning something casually and quickly moving on can sometimes be very effective, informing people without overwhelming them.
Preemptively Thank People for Understanding
Once you’ve mentioned which terms are most inclusive, it can be helpful to preemptively thank people for their understanding, maybe throwing in a compliment for their flexibility and conscientiousness. If you thank someone for being understanding and praise their character for it, agreeing with you becomes an easy way for them to avoid a potentially awkward conversation while also preserving their ego.
Although someone truly belligerent might still go into a rage over being corrected, in my experience most people will just take the easy way out, say “you’re welcome,” and be done with the conversation. The path of least resistance for them is to agree that, “Yes, I am a good person who does noble things like learn inclusive language.” Even if they were predisposed to getting defensive, this gives them a graceful way to acknowledge their mistake while feeling like a good person in the process.
Direct Methods
Perhaps you tried the indirect and lower-risk methods, but the person continues to use non-preferred language. At this point, you have two options: let it go, or escalate to more direct methods.
Consider using direct methods if:
The person’s behavior threatens your personal psychological safety
You see this person frequently, and they often use language that harms you
You have already tried indirect and lower-risk methods
You want to maintain or improve this relationship
You have the capacity and desire to put emotional labor into this relationship
In general, I would suggest escalating only if their behavior has a significant negative impact on you personally. Helping others is great, but trying to convince every single person to always use inclusive language is a recipe for burnout. Using these techniques effectively can require a lot of forethought and effort, and it’s totally valid to just move on. You’ve already informed them of the preferred language; what they choose to do with that information is not your responsibility.
That said, sometimes it does make sense to use more direct methods. If you’ve reflected on the situation and decided that you want to proceed, read on for some tips on how to do so effectively.
Using “I” Statements
I first learned about “I” statements in elementary school. Back then, my engagement with the technique was mostly limited to making fun of the awkward sentences that resulted from using a rigid template. However, over time I’ve grown to appreciate the principle underlying “I” statements, and have found that it can actually be quite effective.
Essentially, “I” statements are a way to avoid sounding accusatory by focusing on your own feelings and how something is impacting you. Even if the other person’s behavior is undesirable, making someone feel defensive is counterproductive to convincing them to change. So, using an “I” statement can make you more effective by helping to avoid this defensiveness.
Here’s the general formula for an “I” statement:
“I feel (emotion) when (situation, described non-judgementally), because (reason). I would like (desired outcome).”
For example: “I feel invalidated when someone says ‘everyone’s a little bit Autistic,’ because I feel like it dismisses my struggles. I would like it if people listened to me and tried to understand my experience instead.”
As you can probably tell, following the formula word-for-word can sound a bit awkward and stiff, but it’s a good starting place if you’re not sure how to phrase things. With practice, it becomes easier to form more natural-sounding sentences that focus on how things impact you, rather than what the other person has done.
“I” statements are very direct, which is great for getting your point across clearly, but can feel rather abrupt for starting a conversation. If you want a softer opening statement, or to soften the request in general, the next method provides one way to do that.
The Compliment Sandwich
The compliment sandwich can be used in conjunction with an “I” statement, or on its own. Essentially, you “sandwich” anything that could be perceived as criticism between two positive statements about the person. This helps soften the feedback, showing the recipient that you do like and appreciate them as a person.
Here’s the general formula for a compliment sandwich:
“(Compliment #1).
(One piece of negative feedback, possibly as an “I” statement).
(Compliment #2).”
For example:
“I’m so thankful to have a friend who’s as funny as you. You always know how to make me laugh, even when I’m sad. (Compliment)
I know we used to joke about me being ‘lazy,’ but since my ADHD diagnosis I’ve started recognizing my challenges as valid struggles related to neurodivergence, not character flaws. I find it triggering when people call me lazy, even as a joke, so I would appreciate it if we could avoid that from now on. (Negative feedback/request)
I know it’s not easy to change habits, and I really appreciate all the ways you’ve supported me over the past few years. You’ve been an amazing friend. (Compliment)”
As you can see, putting negative feedback between two compliments helps keep the overall tone of the interaction more positive and friendly, which can help prevent people from getting defensive. Our brains naturally focus on the negative and minimize the positive, so having twice as much positive as negative feedback helps balance the recipient’s subjective experience to something closer to neutral.
Compliments make people feel good, which makes them want to do nice things for you–such as taking your concerns seriously, and maybe even changing their behavior.
If Things Go Poorly
Despite your best efforts, there’s a good chance the other person may be feeling awkward, embarrassed, or defensive at this point. So, what can you do?
Before doing anything, take a moment to be mindful of your own feelings. It can be tempting to get caught up in the other person’s emotions, and react from that place of emotion. However, those types of emotional reactions are rarely effective, and tend to increase the conflict rather than defuse it. Notice your own feelings and impulses, and take a moment to self-regulate. If needed, temporarily step away from the conversation.
Once you’re feeling well-regulated, you can then focus on reconnection and setting firmer boundaries, if needed.
Using Honesty, Empathy, Vulnerability to Reconnect
If your request has made the other person defensive or aggressive, your first instinct might be to defend the validity of your request. However, this will generally backfire, escalating emotions on both sides and reducing the chances of any productive conversation occurring. Instead, it can often be effective to do the exact opposite. Rather than defending your position, focus on understanding their point of view and reconnecting using honesty, empathy, and vulnerability.
This approach relies on expressing empathy for the other person. Acknowledge their feelings, and emphasize that your intent wasn’t to make them feel bad. You may want to apologize for any unintentional hurt feelings. If you’ve addressed this issue directly with them, that means they must be important to you. So tell them that.
“This issue is important to me, and you’re important to me, which is why I’m bringing it up.”
Acknowledge their good intentions, and that they didn’t mean to hurt you. Most people genuinely try to avoid hurting others, especially those they care about. If you’re having this conversation with someone, that means you trust them enough to be vulnerable for the sake of improving your relationship. So tell them that.
“I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, because you’re a kind/loving/etc person. That’s why I felt safe enough to talk to you about this, because I know we both value our relationship and want to improve it.”
In short, be honest, empathetic, and vulnerable. Focus on their positive qualities, your desire to improve the relationship, and the good intentions on both sides. Nothing is guaranteed to work, but I’ve found that being understanding and genuine often goes a long way.
Of course, you should only do this if you feel safe with this person and situation. Otherwise, you may want to move on to setting firmer boundaries.
Set Firmer Boundaries, If Needed
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, things still don’t work out. The person continues to use language that hurts you, and no matter how you try to communicate with them, they are unwilling or unable to hear what you’re saying. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ve done anything wrong; some people simply aren’t in a place to be able to hear what you’re saying. Again, you’re not responsible for their openness to new ideas.
However, you are responsible for your own psychological safety and well-being. If you’ve reached this point, you may need to set firmer boundaries with this person to protect yourself.
For example, if this person uses language that hurts you, then you will immediately leave the situation. Tell them about this boundary, and follow through. It will be difficult, and they are likely to throw a tantrum about it. No matter how hard they try to convince you otherwise, know that you deserve to feel safe. You’re not being mean or unreasonable, you’re protecting yourself. This person is unwilling to hold a safe space for you, so you need to create your own safe space.
Avoid engaging with the person’s tantrum, or any other emotional manipulation they may attempt. One way to accomplish this is through “parroting.” No matter what they say, simply repeat your boundary, and continue to enforce it. For example, you might say: “I don’t feel safe here, so I’m going to leave.”
Setting firmer boundaries may mean you see this person less. This may or may not be the outcome you want, and it can be especially hard when it’s someone you’re close to. However, if someone is knowingly doing things that hurt you, I think it’s worth seriously considering whether this is someone you want to spend a lot of time with. Does spending time with them really make your life better, or do you mostly do it out of a sense of habit or obligation? It’s not an easy question, and frankly it sucks having to even contemplate it. So definitely take your time, and talk to a trusted friend or therapist if that helps.
There’s no right or wrong answer here, just whatever gives you the most peace. That might mean you stop bringing up the subject, and instead focus on self-regulation when they say something triggering. It might mean setting a firm boundary, or seeing the person less often. In the most extreme cases, it might mean cutting the person off entirely. However you decide to proceed, I hope you’re able to identify the option that best supports your well-being.
Conclusion
Using inclusive language helps create a safe space for individuals with marginalized identities, allowing them to be included in the conversation. Because group social identities naturally change over time, a group’s preferred language changes along with it. These shifts in what language is considered inclusive, as well as the sheer number of marginalized groups, creates the need for near constant public education regarding inclusive language.
Although perhaps well-intentioned, people who correct others’ language for the sake of “political correctness” often come across as virtue signaling. Taking a judgemental approach to educating others often backfires, leading to defensiveness against a perceived personal attack. This shifts the conversation from inclusivity to ego preservation, sometimes even making the person less likely to use inclusive language, because now they’ve associated it with feelings of shame.
If you accidentally use non-inclusive language, it’s natural to feel some difficult emotions. Take a moment to notice how you’re feeling, recognize that everyone makes mistakes, and practice self-forgiveness. Then, focus on reconnection by apologizing for any harm caused and taking action to mitigate that harm.
Even if the educator is tactful, the listener’s past experiences with virtue signaling might lead them to react defensively. In light of this, before deciding to educate someone, you should consider carefully whether you have the emotional capacity to do so. If not, it’s perfectly reasonable to just let it go; you aren’t responsible for educating the whole world. However, perhaps you do have the capacity and desire to educate someone. If so, you should proceed thoughtfully.
If this is a relatively low-stakes situation for you personally, consider using indirect or lower-risk methods. For example, you might simply model using inclusive language in your own speech, and perhaps they will mirror your word choice. Alternatively, you could mention the preferred language very briefly, quickly moving on so it doesn’t feel like a big deal to the listener. It may also be helpful to preemptively thank the person for their understanding and flexibility, which emphasizes that you think they’re a good person and makes agreeing with you an easy way for them to end the conversation on a positive note.
In higher stakes situations, it may make sense to escalate to more direct methods. Although these are riskier, they may be necessary if your personal psychological safety is being threatened. You might use an “I” statement to keep the focus on how this issue is harming you, or use a compliment sandwich (surrounding negative feedback with a compliment before and after) to soften any negativity. If the person responds defensively, you may be able to restore a sense of connection by acknowledging their feelings, expressing empathy, and being honest and vulnerable yourself. Alternatively, you may need to set firmer boundaries with this person to protect yourself.