Overcoming Internalized Ableism in Requesting Accommodations
I often hesitate to request disability accommodations because I feel like I don’t really need help. Some part of my brain is convinced that it would be wrong to get an accommodation if I could technically survive a situation, regardless of the suffering caused by powering through on my own. Despite being aware of the mental health toll these unaccommodated situations take on me, some part of me still refuses to believe that I truly need the accommodation. Although I would absolutely encourage someone else in my situation to get the accommodation (because they obviously need it), for some reason my brain stubbornly refuses to extend that same grace to myself. I think a lot of neurodivergent people end up in a similar situation, especially women and minorities who are socialized to accept their lot without complaint. I’m slowly learning to recognize this as a form of internalized ableism, and coming up with strategies to convince my brain that yes, it’s okay to ask for help. In fact, asking for help is a good thing. Society was designed by and for abled people, and being different doesn’t mean you’re wrong or broken, just that you need and deserve accommodations to access the same opportunities as everyone else.
Disability accommodations don’t give disabled people an unfair advantage, they just level the playing field so everyone has the same opportunities. But when most people would enjoy having a particular accommodation, how can we tell which people truly need it? The next section shows how I discern whether something is truly a need, or just a want.
Discomfort vs Distress
One of the first steps I take when deciding whether I need accommodation is to determine whether the situation is truly distressing, or just annoying and uncomfortable. To illustrate this distinction, I like to use a dog drool analogy. Imagine you’re on a hike, when a big dog runs up to you and drools all over your pants. If you’re a dog lover, you might be perfectly happy with this interaction: you got to pet a dog, and you might not even notice or care about the drool. Or perhaps you feel neutral about dogs, with an average level of disgust regarding drool. You might find this interaction annoying, because your hike was interrupted and now your pants have drool on them, but in the grand scheme it hasn’t disrupted your day too much. Finally, imagine you’re someone who has PTSD after being attacked by a dog. Having a big dog run up to you would be terrifying, potentially triggering a panic attack or flashbacks. You might spend the rest of the hike being extra jumpy and hyperaware of your surroundings, potentially cutting your hike short because of it. In the future, you might avoid that trail, or even avoid hiking altogether. Interacting with this dog was clearly distressing and had a significant negative impact on your life.
As you can see from this example, the same situation can have very different effects on different people. Being greeted by a large, slobbery dog could be distressing, mildly annoying, or even pleasant depending on the person’s history, even though all three people are reacting to the same event. This principle can be applied to almost any situation, and clarifies the difference between distress and discomfort. While there are many situations that neurotypicals find annoying in public spaces, it rarely rises to the level of distress. After all, if the majority of people found a situation distressing, public spaces would account for that and change accordingly. For example, if it’s very cold outside then nearly all indoor spaces will be heated. Most people find cold weather unpleasant, so public spaces accommodate them. In a capitalistic society, any business that fails to accommodate the needs of the majority will quickly be driven out of business. Therefore, the vast majority of public spaces are designed so that neurotypicals rarely experience distress, and often mitigate discomfort as well.
The same can not be said for Autistic people in public spaces, which often feel like they were intentionally designed to aggravate sensory sensitivities. For example, consider a noisy restaurant. While some neurotypicals may find it inconvenient to be unable to easily hear what people are saying, an Autistic person with sound sensitivity might find a noisy restaurant completely overwhelming, potentially triggering a meltdown. Even if the noise doesn’t cause a full meltdown, it can still cause significant distress, which may or may not be visible to outside observers. Autistic people often display emotions differently than neurotypicals, so neurotypical standards cannot be used to assess an Autistic person’s distress level. An Autistic person may appear calm on the outside, despite being in genuine distress. Also keep this in mind when assessing your own distress as a neurodivergent individual. Just because you’re good at hiding your feelings from others, doesn’t mean you’re actually fine with the situation. Your distress is real, and you deserve to feel safe and be accommodated.
After a lifetime of being told you’re overreacting, it can be hard to know what truly qualifies as distress. Many Autistics have experienced so much invalidation, they are no longer connected to their true feelings about anything, preemptively gaslighting themselves and constantly second-guessing whether their experience is real. I’ve found a couple ways to help myself overcome this self-gaslighting, which I will discuss in the rest of this post.
How to Tell if You Need an Accommodation
Let’s say there’s a certain situation that you find difficult, but you’re not sure if it really qualifies for an accommodation, or if maybe this is just an everyday annoyance that everyone has to deal with. This section will cover the various ways I’ve found that help me tease apart annoyance versus distress.
Compare to a Minor Inconvenience
One way to tell if a situation is distressing is to compare it to something that you would consider a minor inconvenience. First, think of something that you would consider somewhat annoying. In case you need some inspiration, here are a few ideas: Spilling a few drops of liquid on your shirt, realizing you left the TV remote just out of reach, dropping your phone, auto-correct messing up what you just typed, or getting dog drool on your pants. As previously discussed, what one person considers to be a minor inconvenience could be genuinely distressing to someone else. So, pick something that’s a little bit annoying for you, and think about the level of distress you would normally experience during that event. Now imagine the situation that you’re considering getting an accommodation for, noticing your distress level in that case. Is it significantly more distressing than the inconvenient situation? If so, consider moving forward with getting accommodations.
Compare to your Peers
First of all, I want to clarify: I am NOT saying you should be able to do everything that your peers can do, or that there’s anything wrong with falling behind your peers or needing accommodations. I’m also not saying that if something is easy for your peers, that means it should be easy for you too. Finally, if you find that this approach tanks your self-esteem or gives your brain extra fuel for self-gaslighting, go ahead and skip to the next section. As always, take what’s helpful and leave the rest.
With that disclaimer out of the way, let’s talk about what I actually mean, which is to compare your experience with that of the average neurotypical. Are you struggling significantly more than them? Or is your experience within the range of what would be expected? Note that even if you’re technically able to keep up with your peers, it may require significantly more effort from you. If that extra effort is causing distress, you can and should be accommodated.
Consider the example of extra time on tests. As you may be aware, getting extra time on tests is a common accommodation for neurodivergent students. However, this accommodation tends to elicit a wishful sigh from most students, disabled or not. So, how can you know if you truly need this accommodation, given that most students feel they could benefit from it? One possibility is to compare your experience with other students in your class. Are most students finishing in the allotted time, while you find yourself with large portions of the test uncompleted? This would suggest that you need extra time, assuming you’ve already implemented test-taking strategies to help with time management. Alternately, perhaps most of the class is also unable to finish the test on time. If you’re completing about the same amount as them, then you may not need extra time. However, if you’re completing less than most of your peers, that would again suggest that you need extra time. In other words, it’s not so much whether you’re able to finish the test, but whether you’re completing a comparable amount to your peers. If you’re falling behind even after following any standard recommendations, consider getting an accommodation.
Recognize that Accommodations Increase Fairness
Many abled people perceive disability accommodations as unfair advantages, because they too would enjoy having them. However, a want and a need are two different things. Although abled people might want certain accommodations, disabled people actually need those accommodations. Disability accommodations don’t give disabled people an advantage, just a comparable starting line. Imagine a 100m race between 20 horses and 1 seal. Would it not be reasonable for the seal to ask for extra time, to ensure it has the same opportunity to finish the race as the horses? It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the seal, or that the seal is getting an unfair advantage. The accommodation simply accounts for the fact that the seal physically cannot move as fast as a horse on land. In fact, if this race were done in water, suddenly all the horses would need extra time!
Similarly, getting a needed accommodation does not give you an unfair advantage, even if it's an accommodation that your peers would also enjoy having, such as extra time on tests. If your neurodivergence impacts your ability to focus (e.g. ADHD, anxiety, sensory overwhelm, emotional dysregulation) or to understand the material quickly (e.g. dyslexia, slow visual or cognitive processing), you are starting at a disadvantage compared to your peers. It doesn’t mean there’s anything inherently wrong with you, just that the system was designed for a different type of brain. Although some might see accommodations as unfair advantages, in reality they make things more fair by ensuring everyone has the same opportunity to succeed. So, if you really do need an accommodation, don’t hesitate simply because others might perceive it as “unfair.” In reality, getting needed accommodations makes things more fair.
Consider the Full Situation and Plan for the Worst
The situation you’re considering accommodating might be an annoyance, if it were the only factor at play. However, what would be an annoyance under ideal circumstances could be completely overwhelming in the real world. For example, consider the process of boarding a plane: it’s crowded, slow, and involves some uncertainty, but generally doesn’t last too long. On its own, this might be stressful but bearable, assuming one starts out in a well-regulated state. However, boarding a plane doesn’t occur in a vacuum. Airports themselves are often crowded and chaotic, and getting through security can be a whole ordeal. Flights are often scheduled at odd hours, interrupting routines and sleep schedules. By the time one gets to boarding a plane, they’ve likely already endured several hours of sensory assault, not to mention the challenges of the flight itself and any additional travel before or after the airport. All of these stressors add up, and not all of them can be predicted or accommodated. So, it makes sense to get any accommodations that will make the overall process tolerable, to ensure that you have the capacity to handle the things that can’t be changed.
When considering whether you need an accommodation, think about the entire situation, not just the specific event being accommodated. What other stressors are likely? If you’re starting out dysregulated, how would you handle the situation? Accommodate yourself as though it’s your worst day, because in the moment it’s much easier to skip an accommodation that’s already been arranged than to scramble for an accommodation that you unexpectedly need.
Know Yourself
Do you tend to assume you can’t do things, and ask for help before you’ve even tried? Or are you more likely to self-gaslight, telling yourself everything is fine and you could power through if you just tried hard enough? Whatever the case, correct course in the opposite direction. If you’re dealing with some level of learned helplessness, showing yourself that you can do things could be empowering. And if it turns out to be too much, you can always ask for help later. Alternately, if you tend to avoid asking for help because you feel like you don’t really need it, regardless of how much distress you experience along the way, try requesting accommodations more often. This could be anything from asking a friend or family member for a favor, to getting formal accommodations at various institutions. See how it feels to get accommodations, and if you find your quality of life improving, great! You can always change your mind later, keeping the most helpful accommodations and skipping any that aren’t helpful. You’ll never know which ones are helpful if you don’t try any of them, so go ahead and see what works.
Imagine a Friend in Your Situation
This one’s a classic, and great for those of us who tend to give grace to everyone but ourselves. Instead of thinking about your own life, imagine if a friend came to you with the same situation and asked you for advice. What would you say to them? Presumably you would validate their distress, and encourage them to do what they need to take care of themselves. Whatever hesitation you feel about getting an accommodation, ask yourself how you would respond to a friend having those same thoughts and feelings. For example, perhaps you avoid asking for accommodations because you feel like you don’t deserve them, or because other people have it worse. If a friend came to you with those same concerns, how would you respond? Would you agree that they deserve to suffer? Certainly not! And yet, many of us would say exactly that to ourselves. I’ve found that this exercise helps me notice when I’m being overly self-punishing, allowing me to give myself the same grace I naturally give to others.
Imagine the Accommodation Without Any “Advantages”
If an accommodation lost all of its “advantages,” would you still want it? For example, most people would enjoy an accommodation to avoid waiting in line. Generally, these types of accommodations have a clear advantage: either you wait the same amount of time in a more pleasant environment, or you skip waiting entirely. Most people would enjoy that accommodation, so how do you know whether you actually need it? Well, imagine the accommodation without the benefit of waiting less time overall. For example, you can wait in a sensory-friendly room instead of standing in line, but the total waiting time is increased by 30 minutes. Would you take that accommodation? Or would you rather stand in line and be done sooner? If you would still take the accommodation, that suggests that you experience genuine distress when unaccommodated, and therefore need the accommodation. If you would rather stand in line, perhaps this accommodation is more of a want than a need for you. For the purpose of this exercise, imagine that this sensory-friendly waiting room can perfectly accommodate you, even if such a space would be impractical in reality. The key with this exercise is to separate the thing that’s actually being accommodated (sensory needs, difficulty with crowds, etc) from any “bonus” benefits (shorter waiting time). Of course, actually implementing these “worse” accommodations would be at best impractical and at worst needlessly punishing to disabled people. But, I find this mental exercise helpful to determine whether I truly need an accommodation, giving me the courage to request it without feeling guilty about any fringe benefits I might get.
Conclusion
Many neurodivergent people hesitate to ask for accommodations because they feel like they don’t really need them, regardless of how much they suffer without them. This self-gaslighting stems from internalized ableism, and is particularly common among women, minorities, and those who are late-diagnosed. In this post, I discussed the difference between discomfort and distress, along with several strategies to help you determine which one you’re experiencing. Although neurotypicals experience some discomfort in their daily lives, public spaces are generally designed to prevent them from experiencing distress. In contrast, neurodivergent people frequently experience distress in public, simply because public spaces are designed by and for neurotypicals.
What one person finds annoying could be genuinely distressing to someone else. Although the annoyed person may want an accommodation, the distressed person actually needs the accommodation. Unfortunately, society rarely discusses this distinction, with many people believing that their experience is the same as everyone else’s. Because neurotypicals make up the majority, the neurotypical experience is assumed to apply to everyone, even though it doesn’t. This ableist mindset permeates society, leading to chronic invalidation of neurodivergent distress. Many neurodivergent individuals internalize this ableism, coming to believe that their distress is really just an inconvenience, and that they could overcome it if they just tried hard enough. And when they can’t overcome it, they conclude that they must be lazy or broken or wrong. But these are lies, created and perpetuated by an ableist society. Your distress is real, no matter how much you’ve been conditioned to believe otherwise. You’re not broken or flawed, you just have different needs than the majority. While others might say you’re overreacting or being dramatic, in reality you’re just asking for equal opportunities. I hope this post will encourage you to request the accommodations you need, even if you've been socialized to feel like you don't deserve them.